About Me

My photo
Toni and Adam Bellamy are 4th generation independent liquor merchants. Their family has been providing the public with quality wines and ales almost since the dawn of time. Purveyors of the most commodified of liquor products to the specialisations of each brother. Toni, wine. Adam, Beer. Our blog is to update you on current musings, opinions and events at Platinum Liquor.

Monday 30 March 2015

I’m The World’s Worst Beer Salesman.

Hi there.

My name is Adam Bellamy, first generation Australian.

Son of an immigrant.

28 years of age.


& I am the world’s worst beer salesman.

At this point you may be thinking, “Why, how can this be Adam?”.

That’s indeed a good question. Hence I am here, to answer that for you.

Just imagine that person you know who loves beer. Y’know real beer.
Ok, ok, bloody hell. “Craft” (ugh) beer then. This person might very well be you. Now take said person’s enthusiasm, passion, dedication, and commitment, love and THEN triple it.

At this point you are somewhere just over half way to understanding how I feel about beer.And this lies at the very heart of why I am the world’s worst beer salesman.

I care too much.

I care waaaaaaay too much.

I care so much that I’m the kind of person that frequently talks people out of buying certain types of beer, because they are not experienced nor mature enough to understand what they actually putting in their mouths.

‘Strawberries to pigs’ I believe is the saying.

However terrible, the business decision. There is at least some method to my seeming madness. If there is one thing that infuriates me more than most things (and as we both know, there are a few), it is when I am to deal with someone, confronted with a beer that they not fully understand neither appreciates.

Common scenario -

“Mate, picked up that beer with the ghost on it.

What’s it called? Yeah yeah, that Fantôme beer the other night”

For some reason, whenever these scenarios playback in my mind, the person speaking seems to always have a tone, accent and general dim wittedness of Paul Vautin.

“Yeah. Yeah Nah, Its was just alright mate, not really my thing aye. I’ll stick to the –insert APA or IPA here - ”

Here, a small list of some of beers that I frequently talk people out of buying;

- HopDog BeerWorks Alluvial Peach
- The entire Fantôme range.
- Yeastie Boys > Most of them.
- Brooklyn Sorachi Ace Saison.
- The entire Fullers Range.
- The entire ‘Les Rulles’ Range.
- Lost Coast Raspberry Brown & Tangerine Wheat.
- Most – if not all Lambics

Among others. On the one positive note, if your beer is mentioned above, it means that I love it, care for it, understand it, and just won’t recommend it to any bum or slouch.

My crowning glory however, of what would make me the worst beer salesman in the world is my adept attention to detail and whimsical fascination.

By which I mean, when I describe a beer to someone, I make it so damn complicated.

I tell the story of the brewery, the theory behind the beer, they reason it was made. Then I go into describing the beer.

Often going totally overboard with my descriptions, leaving the customer flustered, bewildered and completely confused.

Another common scenario –

Beer in discussion lets say – Fuller’s 1845 English Strong Ale.

Me – “This has been made part of the core range and bottled conditioned since 1995 in celebration of (at the time) Fuller's 150th anniversary ale. Caramelised Madagascan sugar, only traditional English floor malts are found with this beer to give its fantastic musty old leather bag in the closet subtle scent. Round, luscious, slightly earthy, burnt brown raison toast with the slightest touch of orange and clementine marmalade. The beer is full however once the yeast takes over there is a swift salty, mineral rush to clean it all up”…

Another two and half minutes later…

…“Usually I love to have it with Traditional Roast, but it is pretty cheeky with some roasted chicken, greens spiked with butter and sage”….

Still some time later….

“Now, I use nonic Southern English nucleated pint glass. You could also use a dimpled mug if your were that way inclined. However a wine glass will do perfectly if you choose so. what do you think?”.

Customer – “Yeah, I think I’m just gonna go with a Coopers Pale Ale long neck”.

Hi there.

My name is Adam Bellamy.

& I am the world’s worst beer salesman.

No comments:

Post a Comment